Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Gross Things My Bulldog Does
Item One: Most dogs encourage petting with a friendly nose bump. Cannon doesn't have a nose, so he resorts to a friendly eye nudge. "Hi! Here's some eyeball juice - pet me maybe?!?"
Item Two: Walk into a room. Passionately fart. Give owner meaningful look. Walk out of room.
Item Three: Sleeps with his face parts on your face parts. Activates face juice maker. Face juice = love.
Item Four: Experiments to see how many human fingers he can fit in his mouth at one time. Bonus point awarded for doing this while the human is trying to type. (You haven't been properly horrified until you've watched your bulldog's face wrinkles disappear because he's packed that many of your fingers into his mouth - like a carnivorous, snorty chipmunk.)
Item Five: Stand under the big bulldog when she turns her face juice maker on. Find human to gently and unsuspectingly nuzzle. More face juice = more love.
Item Six: Walk up to other dog. Sneeze in their face. Be disappointed when they don't do anything. No face juice = no love.
Item Seven: Commence pooping. Make intense and loving eye contact with owner. Wander away when done.
Item Eight: French kiss.
Item Nine: Obsessively lick pants. But only while you're wearing them, otherwise it's no fun.
Item Ten: Eat poop. Run inside, jump on bed, wipe face off on owner's pillow. Face juice equals . . . Y'know what, no it doesn't. Stop this, you horrible little animal.