Dogs Make You (Look) Crazy

Ever have one of those days where everything seems to be going wrong or just plain weird and then you're walking your dog and suddenly your telling how your wish his balls would grow back so you could cut them off again? And then you realize you're saying this in front of a group of elementary school kids? Me neither. Here's a list of other things I've never said while out with my dogs in public:

• I am not your daddy.
• DON'T LICK THE POWER OUTLET!
• Shut-up, kid, no one cares what you think. 
• And how does the inside of my nose taste?
• Okay, who ate the egg timer?
• Don't lick people; you don't know where they've been.
• Chuck Norris, come back here, your panties are falling off!

"You like? I rolled in it just for you!"

 

• You know - the giant black rubber chew toy? Looks like a dildo . . . ? 
• Money is for people who can't have dogs.
• Who needs hand lotion when you can have hot dog scented dog slime?
• FREE: One weasel-shaped little monster who barks at nothing, can't stop muzzle punching his owner for attention, and eats everything he finds below waist height (including, but not limited to: gardening gloves, bird seed, feet, cats, and carpet). Free to bad home. Preferably one that will beat him regularly.
• In my next life, I hope I am as happy as Allister fetching an old sock.
• Pit bulls, man, you just can't trust 'em. Turn your back for one minute and they're EATING THE COAT HOOKS OFF THE WALL!
• How did you get diarrhea on your head?
• Dude, I don't care how much you whine. I am not giving you back your testicles. 
• Jai, it doesn't matter how many times you bow to it, the bird feeder is not going to jump down and play with you.
• Why thank you for licking my coffee cup. I'm glad you saw that I needed more boxer spit in my day.
• You know, you were cute before you got fat. 
• I wonder if they could fit "lustful cockmonster" on a Fetching Tag. 
• I have to get home and train my vicious, dog-raping pit bull now. 

"She means me."

• *sigh* No one wants to steal weasel dogs. 
• We're been working on not rushing/screaming the fence when dogs walk by the yard. Today, I was in the shed refilling the bird feed, and I hear Rubi "ruffSCREAM." I stick my head out and sure enough, everyone is bee-lining for the fence. I shout, "C'MERE, DOGs!" and *sprint* for the porch where I left the dog treat jar. And EVERYONE CAME. And I still have NO FREAKIN' CLUE where the bird feeder ended up. True story.
• Don't chew on that, it cost more than you did. 
• Yes? Did my eyeball taste good?
• Why don't you go hump the vacuum cleaner instead? It looks lonely.
• Riley, no! You can't eat the dinosaurs! Stop it!

But it's okay that I'm crazy because I know I'm not the only one. What kind of weird things have your dogs (*cough*never*cough*) made you say?