Thursday, December 12, 2013

The Little Bulldog Who Could

Once upon a time, there was a little bulldog who lived in a not-very-nice place. His owner was sick and had many, many animals, and was not able to take care of all of them. The home was dirty, and there wasn't much food, and there were not enough laps to go around. This made the Littlest Bulldog sad because he loves food, and he loves to sit in laps.

Sad bulldog.

His owner knew how much happier the Littlest Bulldog would be in a clean, new home with lots of food and laps, so his owner made the difficult decision to let the Littlest Bulldog be rescued. The Littlest Bulldog was so awesome that he got snatched up right away by a Very Important Person at the shelter. They loved the Littlest Bulldog a great deal, but he broke out of his crate (twice) and ate some power cords (yum), and the Very Important People worried that they could not keep the Littlest Bulldog safe. So they made the heart breaking decision to send the Littlest Bulldog back to the shelter in the hopes that he could find someone who could handle all his crate-escaping, cord-eating, lap-loving magnificence.

The Littlest Bulldog was at the shelter for a whole six hours before a moderately crazy lady with lots of dogs and even more treats scooped him up. The Littlest Bulldog's Very Important Person told her all about the Littlest's Bulldog's crate-breaking, cord-eating ways, but the Crazy Treat Lady was a bit skeptical. After all, how could something so small be so much trouble? And wasn't his face just a little too squishy for proper destruction?

So much squishy . . .

Still, the Crazy Treat Lady didn't take any chances. She made sure that the Littlest Bulldog could not get into anything that could hurt him, especially power cords. And she taught him that Good Things happened when he went into his crate, like cookies and chewies and extra special toys. The Littlest Bulldog learned to love his crate almost as much as he loved sitting on laps. He was happy to live at the Crazy Treat Lady's house with all her dogs and yummy foods and snuggly people. He thought that this was a very good life for a very little bulldog.

One day, the Crazy Treat Lady and her Voice of Reason decided to go on vacation. As much as she wanted to, the Crazy Treat Lady knew she could not bring the Littlest Bulldog with her. So the Littlest Bulldog went to live with some Super Spectacular Friends. The Super Spectacular Friends' house was much like the Crazy Treat Lady's home: lot of treats (even a cheeseburger!), tons of snuggles, and even another squishy-faced dog to hang out with. And it wasn't long at all before the Littlest Bulldog had the Super Spectacular Friends wrapped around his stubby little paw.

The good life: synchronized squishing.

While at the Super Spectacular Friends' house, the Littlest Bulldog found the love of his life: a marvelous, extremely delicious, best-ever elk antler. The elk antler was even better than trachea chewies or raw marrow bones or even possibly cheeseburgers. The Super Spectacular Friends were a bit worried about the Littlest Bulldog's obsession, so they were careful to make sure he only got the elk antler when they were around to supervise. But one night - in a fit of cleverness - the Littlest Bulldog hid the elk antler in his crate so that the Super Spectacular Friends couldn't find it.

The next day, as he munched his antler, the Littlest Bulldog was supremely satisfied with his cleverness. How smart he was to hide the antler from the humans! How brilliant! How talented! His skills were truly to be marveled at. But as the Littlest Bulldog chewed and thought of all the ways he was amazing, the elk antler slipped through his paws and out between the bars of his crate.

The Littlest Bulldog had lost his antler!

He stared at the antler sitting outside his crate, and he knew what he needed to do. He didn't cry, or mourn his loss, or give up and find a new toy. No. He wanted his antler, and the crate was in the way, so he chewed right through that sonofabitch.*

*No little bulldogs were harmed in the making of this blog post. Only crates.
Oh, my poor crate.

So the Littlest Bulldog has a new crate now in oh baby blue (I'm not even kidding, you guys - that's what the color is called). It matches his new crate bumpers, made by his wonderfully talented Friend Crystal. The bumpers will hopefully keep all the Littlest Bulldog's yummy, yummy chewies inside his crate where they belong - including his new elk antler. Crates everywhere will be relieved to know that the Littlest Bulldog will no longer need to viciously maul them ever again. And the Littlest Bulldog lived happily ever after.

Moral of the Story: Don't judge a bulldog by his squishy, squishy face. Also, never underestimate the little ones. Because holy shit, you guys.


  1. LOL that was a great post! Glad no littlest bulldogs were harmed but poor crate!